How would I have known that? How do you know that? It may have looked like it, but that wasn't a 'heart' in the way you guys dealt with. The other ones weren't like that.
And I thought none of it would be necessary. Because you'd apologized, and acknowledged how much you hurt me, and promised to do better. I wouldn't have thought there would be any way you'd do it again to start with. So clearly I wasn't a good judge.
Maybe my heart was different from that Kamoshida's--but everyone's heart is different. The basic principles behind them, though... those are more or less the same. Everything has a meaning inside a heart.
Silk said she told you afterward that there were other influences behind my willingness to do it again... so I'd get it, if you were to say that you didn't know about that, that you thought all of it was just me and how I was. That there was a mistake in that regard--but that's not what you're saying.
Or... that's not what I'm hearing.
And that's what... I'm having the most problem with. Because I was sincere. I do know I hurt you. I was doing better. Do we know each other so little that you didn't stop and question why that sort of thing would be in my heart in the first place?
Or is there something else I'm missing? Just... I don't understand...
I don't mean Kamoshida's. I mean Nine Nine's, or Angel's. In Nine Nine's they summoned some huge demon god, and then Anubis pushed a button and we all died and revived at a game board we'd been characters on. And there certainly weren't any Shadows or guillotines in Angel's. I don't think you can say they worked the same.
And I didn't know that there was some kind of Asmodeus influence left, but I didn't exactly have time to sit and carefully evaluate, even if there was any way to tell that was what it was for sure. Which there wasn't then, and isn't now either. Whatever was happening, I needed to stop it.
[yeah because "no time to think, have to act" has worked out so well for either of them... but he does recognize that as a factor. sometimes, No Time Gotta Act happens.]
You're right, at least, that there's no point dwelling on alternatives. What's done is done. And honestly, I don't want to rehash it. And I don't think you do, either.
I just needed to understand the thinking behind it. Intent matters more to me. And I think I have the gist of it now--self-preservation, anger, sense of urgency... those all went into it, right?
[goes quiet for a moment, hesitating.]
... did you see it as a way to get me back for hurting you?
[that's... honestly, the part that hurts a lot to think on. and he looks uncertain, conflicted. he doesn't really know what to think or feel about that being a potential motivation]
...Mars had also just jumped in a mirror without taking the time to figure out a plan with me. I wanted to find a way to get him out, obviously... that was part of the urgency. And also part of... feeling like this was going to keep happening, and I only had my own decisions to rely on.
I wasn't... thinking of it as revenge. But I was angry, and desperate, and I wasn't going to hold back on something that might hurt you when I'd already been hurt plenty and had to stop it from happening more.
lets out a breath and... brings a hand up so he can bite down on his gloved thumb, thinking on this more--remembering too well how Maki reacted when he went into the mirror the first time for how old a memory it feels like.]
But I'm absolutely the last person who can comment on someone acting out in desperation.
Which--don't confuse understanding for forgiveness or being permitting. You're not looking for forgiveness from what you've said, and I"m not... I'm not in a place where I feel like I can give it yet.
I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm... it feels unfair that I'd work hard to consider another's feelings and try to do better after the trial, and yet how I felt--or would feel was disregarded. Maybe I could even deal with that more if it wasn't for the fact that how it would effect my unit, my friends, people who say they care about me wasn't considered either--especially when I was criticized for that exact same thing before.
I get we're in hell. I get life's not fair. I get I'm probably not being reasonable feeling the way I do about it. But I do understand there's nothing to do but go forward from here.
... so I guess that's what we have to figure out now.
We can't go back to what we were before, but... what I said before when you downgraded the relationship still applies. Just... I'd rather we start over. Work at being friends at all. If you even want that, also. Rebuild trust on better foundations.
[a pause and then firmly:]
I don't want there to ever be a time where someone I care about goes into my heart and not understand or hate what they see again.
The way I see it... we just have to respect that our perspectives are different.
Whether they're compatible or not, respect for the other person's view is better than no respect, or treating each other like our views are better or more right.
If anything, I think it's our stubbornness and tendency to dig in our heels that get us worse off.
[shrugs a bit because look. he knows. he's a stubborn ass.]
Being hotheads who want to post lives saying "Hey, come fight me" to protect loved ones? I mean... there are worse things to have in common.
Not that I've done a live with that yet, but it's tempting to get people still upset about the Trial to point their direction where it belongs and not on Bad End as a whole as much.
People would have to admit they want revenge to actually take it on you. If they do it in games they can still pretend they'd never want to hurt anyone.
There's a lot of stuff I still have to deal with, and a bunch of it I'm not even thinking about right now, and some of it I'm not sure if there's anything to do about... but I'll let you know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And I thought none of it would be necessary. Because you'd apologized, and acknowledged how much you hurt me, and promised to do better. I wouldn't have thought there would be any way you'd do it again to start with. So clearly I wasn't a good judge.
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Silk said she told you afterward that there were other influences behind my willingness to do it again... so I'd get it, if you were to say that you didn't know about that, that you thought all of it was just me and how I was. That there was a mistake in that regard--but that's not what you're saying.
Or... that's not what I'm hearing.
And that's what... I'm having the most problem with. Because I was sincere. I do know I hurt you. I was doing better. Do we know each other so little that you didn't stop and question why that sort of thing would be in my heart in the first place?
Or is there something else I'm missing? Just... I don't understand...
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And I didn't know that there was some kind of Asmodeus influence left, but I didn't exactly have time to sit and carefully evaluate, even if there was any way to tell that was what it was for sure. Which there wasn't then, and isn't now either. Whatever was happening, I needed to stop it.
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You're right, at least, that there's no point dwelling on alternatives. What's done is done. And honestly, I don't want to rehash it. And I don't think you do, either.
I just needed to understand the thinking behind it. Intent matters more to me. And I think I have the gist of it now--self-preservation, anger, sense of urgency... those all went into it, right?
[goes quiet for a moment, hesitating.]
... did you see it as a way to get me back for hurting you?
[that's... honestly, the part that hurts a lot to think on. and he looks uncertain, conflicted. he doesn't really know what to think or feel about that being a potential motivation]
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...Mars had also just jumped in a mirror without taking the time to figure out a plan with me. I wanted to find a way to get him out, obviously... that was part of the urgency. And also part of... feeling like this was going to keep happening, and I only had my own decisions to rely on.
I wasn't... thinking of it as revenge. But I was angry, and desperate, and I wasn't going to hold back on something that might hurt you when I'd already been hurt plenty and had to stop it from happening more.
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lets out a breath and... brings a hand up so he can bite down on his gloved thumb, thinking on this more--remembering too well how Maki reacted when he went into the mirror the first time for how old a memory it feels like.]
... all right.
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All right...?
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... it's not all right. None of it is.
But I'm absolutely the last person who can comment on someone acting out in desperation.
Which--don't confuse understanding for forgiveness or being permitting. You're not looking for forgiveness from what you've said, and I"m not... I'm not in a place where I feel like I can give it yet.
I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm... it feels unfair that I'd work hard to consider another's feelings and try to do better after the trial, and yet how I felt--or would feel was disregarded. Maybe I could even deal with that more if it wasn't for the fact that how it would effect my unit, my friends, people who say they care about me wasn't considered either--especially when I was criticized for that exact same thing before.
I get we're in hell. I get life's not fair. I get I'm probably not being reasonable feeling the way I do about it. But I do understand there's nothing to do but go forward from here.
... so I guess that's what we have to figure out now.
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We can't go back to what we were before, but... what I said before when you downgraded the relationship still applies. Just... I'd rather we start over. Work at being friends at all. If you even want that, also. Rebuild trust on better foundations.
[a pause and then firmly:]
I don't want there to ever be a time where someone I care about goes into my heart and not understand or hate what they see again.
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I'm fine starting over. I'm not sure we've really understood each other for a long time, anyway. We can work on that first.
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But if we can, after all that... it would make me happy.
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Whether they're compatible or not, respect for the other person's view is better than no respect, or treating each other like our views are better or more right.
If anything, I think it's our stubbornness and tendency to dig in our heels that get us worse off.
[shrugs a bit because look. he knows. he's a stubborn ass.]
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[dry, given recent events]
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[equally dry because like... yeah.]
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Not that I've done a live with that yet, but it's tempting to get people still upset about the Trial to point their direction where it belongs and not on Bad End as a whole as much.
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Plus Bad End would just punch me.
Still tempting, though.
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People would have to admit they want revenge to actually take it on you. If they do it in games they can still pretend they'd never want to hurt anyone.
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trying not to smile bitterly but there is a bit of an edge.]
Yeah, fair point.
Guess I'll have to figure something else out.
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...Let me know if I can help.
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But I will if you will.
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There's a lot of stuff I still have to deal with, and a bunch of it I'm not even thinking about right now, and some of it I'm not sure if there's anything to do about... but I'll let you know.
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