Sekhmet:I am deeply, truly sorry for what I have done to you, Absinthe, and Corona. What I did was unspeakably cruel and heinous, particularly in my actions towards you. I have taken steps to ensure that nothing like it ever happens again.
Sekhmet is typing... Sekhmet is typing...
Sekhmet:I do not expect or ask for forgiveness, but I am prepared to offer some explanation and reparations, as well as a promise that nothing like it will ever be repeated.
[Based on the events of last night, she expects that this very well might be a trap! But, you know. She can't really complain if it is. So she arrives there, sporting a new scar across her throat.]
[How does she even explain this? Based on Maki's reaction after the game, she doubts that she will receive any measure of forgiveness or sympathy, but that's not really what's important to her. She thinks that Maki does deserve the truth, even if it simply angers her further like it did with King. So she takes a deep breath, and starts talking.]
I knew since quite shortly after arriving that there was some facet of myself that craved violence and destruction. More recently during the first game that had people's lives at stake, I felt pleasure each time we voted against other Units. It was never something on the conscious level, just this reaction that I could feel. I was afraid of it. I do not know why I'm like this. I should have done something about it, should have told more people about it, but I did not know what could be done. Still, I was negligent. I avoided getting too close to people, because I thought I could hurt them, but that was just selfishness, because I didn't think about how I could take action to prevent something like this occurring.
I didn't know just how cruel I was capable of being. The crown, and the vanity, and er, the lipstick that forced me to be honest with my emotions, combined to encourage all of those monstrous urges. So, you were correct, in that what I did really was my own self, at least as far as I know.
But I really don't want to see people hurt, and I don't want those parts of me to come to the surface, and I truly am sorry for the horrible things I have done to you, even if you don't believe me. And it's okay if you don't. I want to do what I can to repay you, though I know that I can't erase what happened.
I have in any case made a Contract with a member of Taisho, that will ensure that I never act in such a way again. I can recite the terms to you, if you wish.
[She brings up her phone, and begins reading from the screen.]
"Should Sekhmet of sensitIV attempt to act on the impulse of causing fatal harm to another person unbidden, whether by ability or physical force, whether directly or indirectly, she will be rendered immobile until she is no longer a threat. Her eyes and ears will shut and she will no longer be able to move or speak until the impulse has passed.
This clause does not apply in instances where she is in danger of fatal harm herself, or in acting with the intent of preventing fatal harm to another. Nor does it apply to her choice of voting in games produced by Imeeji Idol Productions.
Furthermore, in the event that Sekhmet of sensitIV should gain mental compulsion over another individual, she will be forbidden from attempting to harm that individual physically or psychologically, through powers, physical actions, or words, and from ordering that individual to harm another through the same means. Violation of this clause will trigger the aforementioned consequences."
Not entirely, no. The contract has no provision to prevent non-lethal violence, and it would be difficult to draw one up that accounts for every eventuality in any case. Therefore I will need to remain vigilant, maintain self control, and learn more about the nature of these urges, and perhaps why they exist at all. But there will be no simple and easy solution that simply makes this problem go away.
[She scowls, and takes a while to choose her words again]
...Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you made it physically impossible to do the same thing you did to me to anyone else. And if you're willing to accept the very high chance of something going wrong and you being left paralyzed in an important situation, that's not my problem.
But you're talking about it like... I got bitten by a dog you didn't train and didn't think was as dangerous as it was. If that was the case, sure, put it on a leash, be more careful, learn how to take care of it, that's all you can do.
But this was you. You're the one who drank my blood and forced me to kill a friend and then cut my own throat. You say you don't want to hurt people, but you clearly did want to hurt me. You don't get to escape responsibility by saying these "buried urges" don't really count as "you." You don't get to act like your only crime was negligence. You didn't let some kind of dangerous force escape. It was you.
[Dark anger starts rising in her voice by the end.]
[That glare is difficult to face, but she knows that she deserves as much.]
I-I'm sorry, then. I do not wish to sound like I am trying evade responsibility. I know that I am the one that did this. But if I do not speak of this in a detached manner- it becomes too much to bear. And I would not have been able to address this problem as I did.
[She would have been like last night, weeping and drunk and consumed in self-pity. She wants to argue against it- surely every person has conflicting desires and motivations? And they do not always understand the cause of them, especially if they have amnesia. And her very ability to choose how she acted was impaired. It is not as if, before yesterday she has ever felt any truly pressing urge to harm others, either- she just knew that violence was exciting, and she hated that she felt that way.
But she can't say any of that, not to Maki, not right now, after what she did to her. It would ring hollow.]
Learn to fucking bear it. That's the only way you can actually address the problem, your stupid leash-contract aside.
You don't feel bad that I was hurt. You feel bad that, with power and without inhibitions, you became a person you don't like. That's your problem, and the one you're still avoiding.
[She shifts her stance.]
I don't care about your problems, though. No matter how pitiful or self-centered you are, I told you you'd answer for what you did to me. Are you ready?
[The words are muttered, though, and delivered without force. She certainly thinks she cares, but she doesn't really know. How can she be certain about the authenticity of her emotions? Maybe pretending to care is just some facade, and the monster is the real her? Or even if she does care, it's inadequate, because- well, in some way she's still avoiding her problems- being a coward, somebody whose attempts at compassion and empathy are just self-centered ultimately. She really doesn't know.
Right now, it seems clear that she has something else to worry about. She shifts into an alert stance.]
[Well, she doesn't feel like she can really deny the request, right now, so there's a punch, but it's really half-hearted- even for somebody who only has a very modest amount of training in unarmed combat.]
[Sekhmet grits her teeth. Ah, even now she can hear the voice whispering that she ought to hurt the girl. But it is faint. And after all that has happened, even the thought of trying disgusts her.]
I don't want to. Are you just trying to prove that I'm actually a vicious? That who I was yesterday is my "true self," and this is just me faking it? Because I don't know nearly enough about myself to understand why I did any of that, or why I have those feelings and desires. You don't have to believe that I care that I hurt you, but I do. They're both me. I'm not trying to be some martyr, I just don't want to hurt you! Or is that the punishment?
[But that's the problem, Sekhmet realizes. Because even now she's thinking about what she feels herself, and not doing what Maki wants her to do to face the consequences.]
I just told you I don't care about your problems. I'm not trying to prove anything about who you really are.
I am trying to prove you're being self-centered. I'm asking you to do this, so you refusing means it's not about my feelings. It's about you. Right?
[Maki shrugs vaguely, not waiting for an answer to that question, since it seems like Sekhmet got there herself already.]
But more than that... I'm not your tool to command and abuse, and I'm also not just a tool for you to use to punish yourself and ease your guilt complex.
This isn't a punishment. It's a fight. So fight me.
[Unfortunately Maki is a trained assassin, and she's not going to let the punch actually connect. She's lightning-fast as she sweeps Sekhmet's arm to the side, stepping close with her own punch at her gut.]
[Well, she was fully expecting to eat shit at least, but she wasn't fast enough to avoid or brace against that in any way, so she falls backward, grunting in pain. But she tries to get back into her fighting stance.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Day 116, early afternoon
Sekhmet is typing...
Sekhmet is typing...
Sekhmet:I do not expect or ask for forgiveness, but I am prepared to offer some explanation and reparations, as well as a promise that nothing like it will ever be repeated.
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Maki: Is that so.
Maki: We should talk in person. Meet me in the lobby of the game tower.
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[Based on the events of last night, she expects that this very well might be a trap! But, you know. She can't really complain if it is. So she arrives there, sporting a new scar across her throat.]
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So? What's your explanation?
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I knew since quite shortly after arriving that there was some facet of myself that craved violence and destruction. More recently during the first game that had people's lives at stake, I felt pleasure each time we voted against other Units. It was never something on the conscious level, just this reaction that I could feel. I was afraid of it. I do not know why I'm like this. I should have done something about it, should have told more people about it, but I did not know what could be done. Still, I was negligent. I avoided getting too close to people, because I thought I could hurt them, but that was just selfishness, because I didn't think about how I could take action to prevent something like this occurring.
I didn't know just how cruel I was capable of being. The crown, and the vanity, and er, the lipstick that forced me to be honest with my emotions, combined to encourage all of those monstrous urges. So, you were correct, in that what I did really was my own self, at least as far as I know.
But I really don't want to see people hurt, and I don't want those parts of me to come to the surface, and I truly am sorry for the horrible things I have done to you, even if you don't believe me. And it's okay if you don't. I want to do what I can to repay you, though I know that I can't erase what happened.
I have in any case made a Contract with a member of Taisho, that will ensure that I never act in such a way again. I can recite the terms to you, if you wish.
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But when she mentions the contract—]
—What? A contract?
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Yes, I know what it does. I was on Taisho for three months, you know.
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[She brings up her phone, and begins reading from the screen.]
"Should Sekhmet of sensitIV attempt to act on the impulse of causing fatal harm to another person unbidden, whether by ability or physical force, whether directly or indirectly, she will be rendered immobile until she is no longer a threat. Her eyes and ears will shut and she will no longer be able to move or speak until the impulse has passed.
This clause does not apply in instances where she is in danger of fatal harm herself, or in acting with the intent of preventing fatal harm to another. Nor does it apply to her choice of voting in games produced by Imeeji Idol Productions.
Furthermore, in the event that Sekhmet of sensitIV should gain mental compulsion over another individual, she will be forbidden from attempting to harm that individual physically or psychologically, through powers, physical actions, or words, and from ordering that individual to harm another through the same means. Violation of this clause will trigger the aforementioned consequences."
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And you think that solves the problem for the future?
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Not entirely, no. The contract has no provision to prevent non-lethal violence, and it would be difficult to draw one up that accounts for every eventuality in any case. Therefore I will need to remain vigilant, maintain self control, and learn more about the nature of these urges, and perhaps why they exist at all. But there will be no simple and easy solution that simply makes this problem go away.
no subject
...Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you made it physically impossible to do the same thing you did to me to anyone else. And if you're willing to accept the very high chance of something going wrong and you being left paralyzed in an important situation, that's not my problem.
But you're talking about it like... I got bitten by a dog you didn't train and didn't think was as dangerous as it was. If that was the case, sure, put it on a leash, be more careful, learn how to take care of it, that's all you can do.
But this was you. You're the one who drank my blood and forced me to kill a friend and then cut my own throat. You say you don't want to hurt people, but you clearly did want to hurt me. You don't get to escape responsibility by saying these "buried urges" don't really count as "you." You don't get to act like your only crime was negligence. You didn't let some kind of dangerous force escape. It was you.
[Dark anger starts rising in her voice by the end.]
no subject
I-I'm sorry, then. I do not wish to sound like I am trying evade responsibility. I know that I am the one that did this. But if I do not speak of this in a detached manner- it becomes too much to bear. And I would not have been able to address this problem as I did.
[She would have been like last night, weeping and drunk and consumed in self-pity. She wants to argue against it- surely every person has conflicting desires and motivations? And they do not always understand the cause of them, especially if they have amnesia. And her very ability to choose how she acted was impaired. It is not as if, before yesterday she has ever felt any truly pressing urge to harm others, either- she just knew that violence was exciting, and she hated that she felt that way.
But she can't say any of that, not to Maki, not right now, after what she did to her. It would ring hollow.]
...Yes.
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You don't feel bad that I was hurt. You feel bad that, with power and without inhibitions, you became a person you don't like. That's your problem, and the one you're still avoiding.
[She shifts her stance.]
I don't care about your problems, though. No matter how pitiful or self-centered you are, I told you you'd answer for what you did to me. Are you ready?
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[The words are muttered, though, and delivered without force. She certainly thinks she cares, but she doesn't really know. How can she be certain about the authenticity of her emotions? Maybe pretending to care is just some facade, and the monster is the real her? Or even if she does care, it's inadequate, because- well, in some way she's still avoiding her problems- being a coward, somebody whose attempts at compassion and empathy are just self-centered ultimately. She really doesn't know.
Right now, it seems clear that she has something else to worry about. She shifts into an alert stance.]
Yes, I'm ready.
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...Then, try to punch me.
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...What?
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Try harder.
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I don't want to. Are you just trying to prove that I'm actually a vicious? That who I was yesterday is my "true self," and this is just me faking it? Because I don't know nearly enough about myself to understand why I did any of that, or why I have those feelings and desires. You don't have to believe that I care that I hurt you, but I do. They're both me. I'm not trying to be some martyr, I just don't want to hurt you! Or is that the punishment?
[But that's the problem, Sekhmet realizes. Because even now she's thinking about what she feels herself, and not doing what Maki wants her to do to face the consequences.]
...But if you really want this, I will do it.
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I am trying to prove you're being self-centered. I'm asking you to do this, so you refusing means it's not about my feelings. It's about you. Right?
[Maki shrugs vaguely, not waiting for an answer to that question, since it seems like Sekhmet got there herself already.]
But more than that... I'm not your tool to command and abuse, and I'm also not just a tool for you to use to punish yourself and ease your guilt complex.
This isn't a punishment. It's a fight. So fight me.
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[She settles into a fighting stance and throws a harder punch.]
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