Maki: I was also talking to Man Eater about how things had changed. Especially after the protection game. Maki: But that's also right when I joined, so... Maki: Whenever people talk about how great things were before, it's weird, for me. Maki: Like it's partially my fault things got messed up. Maki: Or that I couldn't be part of something like that. Maki: Or at least, that I'm wrong about feeling like the unit's doing well. Because it seems like no one else feels that way.
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: i wonder how taisho ever gets anything done if this is good compared to them d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but theres nothing wrong about feeling the way you do d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and its really not your fault things changed d☆☆dl☆m☆n: that wouldve happened even if you hadnt joined d☆☆dl☆m☆n: though its true that you wouldnt have liked it with how ☆zrael was before d☆☆dl☆m☆n: youre more normal and sane
Maki: They don't, really. Taisho. Maki: Or, they didn't. It kind of sounds like things are better there since I left, too. Maki: And I'm really not sure I am. Maki: I'm better at suppressing my feelings, maybe. Most of the time. Maki: But I really don't WANT to be. I do have a lot of feelings, and problems, and things I can't deal with, and I freak out and make bad decisions just as much as anyone else... Maki: I just don't know how to express things in ways anyone can read, I guess. Even though I'm trying. Have been trying. Maki: I spent most of my life alone, trying to be an emotionless assassin, and sometimes I wonder if I can ever really move away from that.
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: its true that i have a hard time understanding you d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but i never thought you didnt have emotions d☆☆dl☆m☆n: you come across as extremely emotional tbh
Maki: I'm not sure it's much better if I DO have emotions, but they're all the wrong ones, no one else can tell what they are, and I don't know how to deal with them without hurting other people. Maki: I realize that's an exaggeration, but that's how it seems sometimes.
Maki: Thanks. Maki: And... you too. Maki: I wasn't being totally fair to you, before. When Ashley said all that stuff after my live, you did also get on me about not thinking about the unit, but that was only at first. Maki: When I told you how I had been, you got it. And you helped me understand everyone else else's reactions better. And you told me that I did belong on ZRAEL. It meant a lot to me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Maki: But that's also right when I joined, so...
Maki: Whenever people talk about how great things were before, it's weird, for me.
Maki: Like it's partially my fault things got messed up.
Maki: Or that I couldn't be part of something like that.
Maki: Or at least, that I'm wrong about feeling like the unit's doing well. Because it seems like no one else feels that way.
no subject
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but theres nothing wrong about feeling the way you do
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and its really not your fault things changed
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: that wouldve happened even if you hadnt joined
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: though its true that you wouldnt have liked it with how ☆zrael was before
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: youre more normal and sane
no subject
Maki: Or, they didn't. It kind of sounds like things are better there since I left, too.
Maki: And I'm really not sure I am.
Maki: I'm better at suppressing my feelings, maybe. Most of the time.
Maki: But I really don't WANT to be. I do have a lot of feelings, and problems, and things I can't deal with, and I freak out and make bad decisions just as much as anyone else...
Maki: I just don't know how to express things in ways anyone can read, I guess. Even though I'm trying. Have been trying.
Maki: I spent most of my life alone, trying to be an emotionless assassin, and sometimes I wonder if I can ever really move away from that.
no subject
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but i never thought you didnt have emotions
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: you come across as extremely emotional tbh
no subject
Maki: I realize that's an exaggeration, but that's how it seems sometimes.
no subject
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: that just sounds like how it is for everyone
no subject
Maki: Well, I did say I felt like I fit in.
no subject
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: it just takes some time
no subject
Maki: And... you too.
Maki: I wasn't being totally fair to you, before. When Ashley said all that stuff after my live, you did also get on me about not thinking about the unit, but that was only at first.
Maki: When I told you how I had been, you got it. And you helped me understand everyone else else's reactions better. And you told me that I did belong on ZRAEL. It meant a lot to me.
no subject
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and on the subject of before
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: sorry for getting weird
no subject
Maki: I also overreacted, and I know you're dealing with a lot of other stuff too.