No. I haven't wanted to go back from the beginning. And it's not about living or dying.
...Maybe I'm just being too cowardly. Wanting there to be... something to base myself on...? Wanting to know who I was. What I'd do. And wanting some common ground with other people.
It's like... Imagine if I was trying to forge a knife. Even if I had to change or re-purpose it, it would probably be easier if I already had a decent blade to work with, and if there were people I could collaborate with who were working with the same materials... right? It's a start, and I could see mistakes and things I don't want and correct for them.
But that's not how it is now. I can't be confident that what I have isn't missing some really crucial pieces. I don't understand why it's put together the way it is. The people with the same kind of blade don't exchange information with me. And sure, maybe I could just make myself a new knife alone, from raw steel, and maybe there's no reason that couldn't be just as good or better. But it still scares me to be doing that... especially when everyone else has plenty of raw materials.
Even if you don't particularly care about memories, you do still have some foundations, right? Your card game, Blue Eyes... King...
That analogy only holds if you want to see yourself as a tool useful to other people.
And my situation is an exception. So is yours. Most people here don't have people from their home world. At least in my unit. Or if they did, they're gone.
It was just an example. I don't see myself as a tool. I just want to make myself into what I want.
And between you and Joker and A and some of my unitmates, it's plenty of people. But the point isn't just having people around. It's having... something you're confident in.
If you make yourself into what you want, why wouldn’t you be confident that you’re not missing pieces? If you have to have other people in the process, shouldn’t there be more concern that you’re becoming what they want?
I don’t understand this fascination that you have with a common origin story. Or even similar circumstances.
Nine-Nine and I have never been seen together and yet we get along the best. While Yugi and I can’t agree on jack shit.
It’s your future that should have commonality. Not your past.
You're confident in what you were doing in your world, right? Your goals for what you were building, and how you wanted to change things. That's part of who you are. And when we talked about Blue Eyes, you told me that no matter what happened, you'd find each other, through space and time. Those are things you can rely on. That you don't have any doubt about.
I don't have anything like that.
...That's what I mean when I say things like "I don't know what I'd do without you." I'd survive, I'm sure, and I'd figure something out, but...
And you cling to your identity as an assassin. How is that any different?
I don't get why you keep doing this to yourself. You obviously want some semblance of control or stability in your life. But you keep waiting for some magic external outside factor to make everything click into place.
That's not going to happen.
If you want to do more than survive, then just do it. You don't need anyone or anything for that.
—Nn, I'm not going to argue about this again. I am doing everything I can. I just said it would be nice to know the truth of what happened. Even if it would be nice, things may be beyond that point now, anyway.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Well... I'd like to know the truth of everything that happened. But I'm not sure how much it matters, at this point.
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If you lived there. If you died.
Even if you hadn't got stuck in that school, would you want to go back to that life before?
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...Maybe I'm just being too cowardly. Wanting there to be... something to base myself on...? Wanting to know who I was. What I'd do. And wanting some common ground with other people.
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So what exactly do you hope to discover about yourself that you can't forge on your own now?
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It's like... Imagine if I was trying to forge a knife. Even if I had to change or re-purpose it, it would probably be easier if I already had a decent blade to work with, and if there were people I could collaborate with who were working with the same materials... right? It's a start, and I could see mistakes and things I don't want and correct for them.
But that's not how it is now. I can't be confident that what I have isn't missing some really crucial pieces. I don't understand why it's put together the way it is. The people with the same kind of blade don't exchange information with me. And sure, maybe I could just make myself a new knife alone, from raw steel, and maybe there's no reason that couldn't be just as good or better. But it still scares me to be doing that... especially when everyone else has plenty of raw materials.
Even if you don't particularly care about memories, you do still have some foundations, right? Your card game, Blue Eyes... King...
no subject
And my situation is an exception. So is yours. Most people here don't have people from their home world. At least in my unit. Or if they did, they're gone.
no subject
And between you and Joker and A and some of my unitmates, it's plenty of people. But the point isn't just having people around. It's having... something you're confident in.
no subject
If you make yourself into what you want, why wouldn’t you be confident that you’re not missing pieces? If you have to have other people in the process, shouldn’t there be more concern that you’re becoming what they want?
I don’t understand this fascination that you have with a common origin story. Or even similar circumstances.
Nine-Nine and I have never been seen together and yet we get along the best. While Yugi and I can’t agree on jack shit.
It’s your future that should have commonality. Not your past.
no subject
You're confident in what you were doing in your world, right? Your goals for what you were building, and how you wanted to change things. That's part of who you are. And when we talked about Blue Eyes, you told me that no matter what happened, you'd find each other, through space and time. Those are things you can rely on. That you don't have any doubt about.
I don't have anything like that.
...That's what I mean when I say things like "I don't know what I'd do without you." I'd survive, I'm sure, and I'd figure something out, but...
no subject
I don't get why you keep doing this to yourself. You obviously want some semblance of control or stability in your life. But you keep waiting for some magic external outside factor to make everything click into place.
That's not going to happen.
If you want to do more than survive, then just do it. You don't need anyone or anything for that.
no subject
[shakes her head]
—Nn, I'm not going to argue about this again. I am doing everything I can. I just said it would be nice to know the truth of what happened. Even if it would be nice, things may be beyond that point now, anyway.