d☆☆dl☆m☆n: id say i care about you as much as man☆eater and rider d☆☆dl☆m☆n: or skooter and ashley and red if were counting people who arent here anymore d☆☆dl☆m☆n: im closer with req and dia d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but its normal to care more about some people than others right
Maki: Yes, that's normal. I'm not upset about that kind of thing. I'm probably closer with Man Eater and Requiem, too. Maki: But if I get upset over something and you just get annoyed at me for it, that's different. Especially when it's something that's been really important to both me and the unit.
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: yeah i guess thats fair d☆☆dl☆m☆n: it seems i didnt think enough about how upsetting something like that is d☆☆dl☆m☆n: because to me theres no question about you belonging on the unit d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and before you point it out again yes i know you were pretty visibly upset and that probably shouldve clued me in d☆☆dl☆m☆n: so for what its worth i do think ashley shouldnt have said that shit d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and you had every right to be upset and angry d☆☆dl☆m☆n: i cant promise ill always know to support you and all that stuff d☆☆dl☆m☆n: because feelings are a fucking mystery d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but i can try harder
[Another long pause, but this time the typing indicator appears and disappears the whole time, like she's slowly composing and deleting]
Maki: Thank you. Really. That means a lot. Maki: It's not that I feel like I don't belong on the unit, though. I was actually just talking to Intensity the other day, about being upset. He asked me why I'd moved to ☆ZRAEL in the first place, but it's not like I've forgotten that... or that any of the reasons have changed. I fit in, on ☆ZRAEL, way more than Taisho. I feel like we're on the same page, and I can work with everyone, and that the unit tries to hold together, and generally values each other's opinions. I'm comfortable here. And I probably never believed in the unconditional love and support stuff in the first place, so in a way it was relieving to have a little conflict, and not feel like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop and it to all fall apart. Maki: But I guess I still really wanted it. Want it. So when it didn't seem to matter that I didn't actually get it, after everything everyone said, it hurt. And like I told you after my live, I've been working hard to support everyone, as much as I can. So every time anyone didn't even notice that, or someone got support or forgiveness when I got ignored or criticized... that hurt, too. Maki: It's not just you. You just happened to hit on it.
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: i think the reason i kept saying we were like that is that its how we were before d☆☆dl☆m☆n: or at least thats what it felt like d☆☆dl☆m☆n: before the trial none of us had any real attachements outside the unit d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and we didnt talk about stuff like feelings etc d☆☆dl☆m☆n: so it was easy d☆☆dl☆m☆n: felt like we never had any problems d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and i guess even after things changed i wanted to feel like thats how it was d☆☆dl☆m☆n: because the way we are now is more complicated d☆☆dl☆m☆n: harder to deal with d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and honestly its better d☆☆dl☆m☆n: even if it results in shit like arguments and getting upset d☆☆dl☆m☆n: or feeling bad when you lose people
Maki: I was also talking to Man Eater about how things had changed. Especially after the protection game. Maki: But that's also right when I joined, so... Maki: Whenever people talk about how great things were before, it's weird, for me. Maki: Like it's partially my fault things got messed up. Maki: Or that I couldn't be part of something like that. Maki: Or at least, that I'm wrong about feeling like the unit's doing well. Because it seems like no one else feels that way.
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: i wonder how taisho ever gets anything done if this is good compared to them d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but theres nothing wrong about feeling the way you do d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and its really not your fault things changed d☆☆dl☆m☆n: that wouldve happened even if you hadnt joined d☆☆dl☆m☆n: though its true that you wouldnt have liked it with how ☆zrael was before d☆☆dl☆m☆n: youre more normal and sane
Maki: They don't, really. Taisho. Maki: Or, they didn't. It kind of sounds like things are better there since I left, too. Maki: And I'm really not sure I am. Maki: I'm better at suppressing my feelings, maybe. Most of the time. Maki: But I really don't WANT to be. I do have a lot of feelings, and problems, and things I can't deal with, and I freak out and make bad decisions just as much as anyone else... Maki: I just don't know how to express things in ways anyone can read, I guess. Even though I'm trying. Have been trying. Maki: I spent most of my life alone, trying to be an emotionless assassin, and sometimes I wonder if I can ever really move away from that.
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: its true that i have a hard time understanding you d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but i never thought you didnt have emotions d☆☆dl☆m☆n: you come across as extremely emotional tbh
Maki: I'm not sure it's much better if I DO have emotions, but they're all the wrong ones, no one else can tell what they are, and I don't know how to deal with them without hurting other people. Maki: I realize that's an exaggeration, but that's how it seems sometimes.
Maki: Thanks. Maki: And... you too. Maki: I wasn't being totally fair to you, before. When Ashley said all that stuff after my live, you did also get on me about not thinking about the unit, but that was only at first. Maki: When I told you how I had been, you got it. And you helped me understand everyone else else's reactions better. And you told me that I did belong on ZRAEL. It meant a lot to me.
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Maki: What for?
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: with all the stuff about how good our unit is
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Maki: You know I don't think you don't care about the unit at all, right?
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: you just think i dont care about you at all
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eventually:]
Maki: Not "at all."
Maki: Just not as much as everyone else.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: or skooter and ashley and red if were counting people who arent here anymore
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: im closer with req and dia
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but its normal to care more about some people than others right
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Maki: But if I get upset over something and you just get annoyed at me for it, that's different. Especially when it's something that's been really important to both me and the unit.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: it seems i didnt think enough about how upsetting something like that is
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: because to me theres no question about you belonging on the unit
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and before you point it out again yes i know you were pretty visibly upset and that probably shouldve clued me in
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: so for what its worth i do think ashley shouldnt have said that shit
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and you had every right to be upset and angry
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: i cant promise ill always know to support you and all that stuff
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: because feelings are a fucking mystery
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but i can try harder
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Maki: Thank you. Really. That means a lot.
Maki: It's not that I feel like I don't belong on the unit, though. I was actually just talking to Intensity the other day, about being upset. He asked me why I'd moved to ☆ZRAEL in the first place, but it's not like I've forgotten that... or that any of the reasons have changed. I fit in, on ☆ZRAEL, way more than Taisho. I feel like we're on the same page, and I can work with everyone, and that the unit tries to hold together, and generally values each other's opinions. I'm comfortable here. And I probably never believed in the unconditional love and support stuff in the first place, so in a way it was relieving to have a little conflict, and not feel like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop and it to all fall apart.
Maki: But I guess I still really wanted it. Want it. So when it didn't seem to matter that I didn't actually get it, after everything everyone said, it hurt. And like I told you after my live, I've been working hard to support everyone, as much as I can. So every time anyone didn't even notice that, or someone got support or forgiveness when I got ignored or criticized... that hurt, too.
Maki: It's not just you. You just happened to hit on it.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: or at least thats what it felt like
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: before the trial none of us had any real attachements outside the unit
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and we didnt talk about stuff like feelings etc
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: so it was easy
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: felt like we never had any problems
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and i guess even after things changed i wanted to feel like thats how it was
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: because the way we are now is more complicated
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: harder to deal with
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and honestly its better
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: even if it results in shit like arguments and getting upset
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: or feeling bad when you lose people
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Maki: But that's also right when I joined, so...
Maki: Whenever people talk about how great things were before, it's weird, for me.
Maki: Like it's partially my fault things got messed up.
Maki: Or that I couldn't be part of something like that.
Maki: Or at least, that I'm wrong about feeling like the unit's doing well. Because it seems like no one else feels that way.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but theres nothing wrong about feeling the way you do
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and its really not your fault things changed
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: that wouldve happened even if you hadnt joined
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: though its true that you wouldnt have liked it with how ☆zrael was before
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: youre more normal and sane
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Maki: Or, they didn't. It kind of sounds like things are better there since I left, too.
Maki: And I'm really not sure I am.
Maki: I'm better at suppressing my feelings, maybe. Most of the time.
Maki: But I really don't WANT to be. I do have a lot of feelings, and problems, and things I can't deal with, and I freak out and make bad decisions just as much as anyone else...
Maki: I just don't know how to express things in ways anyone can read, I guess. Even though I'm trying. Have been trying.
Maki: I spent most of my life alone, trying to be an emotionless assassin, and sometimes I wonder if I can ever really move away from that.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: but i never thought you didnt have emotions
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: you come across as extremely emotional tbh
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Maki: I realize that's an exaggeration, but that's how it seems sometimes.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: that just sounds like how it is for everyone
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Maki: Well, I did say I felt like I fit in.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: it just takes some time
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Maki: And... you too.
Maki: I wasn't being totally fair to you, before. When Ashley said all that stuff after my live, you did also get on me about not thinking about the unit, but that was only at first.
Maki: When I told you how I had been, you got it. And you helped me understand everyone else else's reactions better. And you told me that I did belong on ZRAEL. It meant a lot to me.
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d☆☆dl☆m☆n: and on the subject of before
d☆☆dl☆m☆n: sorry for getting weird
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Maki: I also overreacted, and I know you're dealing with a lot of other stuff too.