Morning☆Glory (Harukawa Maki) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rollplayinghouse) wrote2018-12-21 02:50 pm
rollplayinghouse) wrote2018-12-21 02:50 pm
Question meme
I wanted to do a question meme and apparently Maki has broken 10k comments somehow.
You know the drill.
You know the drill.
no subject
Hmm. One thing I don't think I've talked about in depth recently but which came up in their talking about killing thread (and actually her current thread with A too) is Maki still doesn't feel like Joker and A have entirely... taken to heart that she's an assassin? This is a problem that she has with people in general really, it just obviously is most pronounced with them. The particular thing that they do was highlighted a while back when we did that threeway memory thread around the one where Maki talked about how she became an assassin - volunteering to go so her friend didn't have to. She ended up bristling a bit at Boss and A because they were both sorry for her? And in general they seemed to believe she was forced to be an assassin by the situation.
This goes a bit back into how Maki has literally never had full agency over her situation, so she gets angry if people act like she can't make real choices, or her choices don't matter. Yes, it was a bad situation where children were forced to be assassins. But she personally chose to volunteer! She could have not volunteered. And the reasons she did that is that she thought her friend was too kind to survive assassin training. The corollary to this is that Maki did not think she herself was too kind to survive assassin training.
And she did survive it! It was terrible (though she only has secondhand memories of this from talking about it), but she came out of it freakishly strong and completely numb to killing. So, in Maki's opinion, she started out with a predisposition to be more okay than some people with killing, and then she only got trained to be more cold and emotionless about it. And that has been the case for her here! With E, and also with killing Doodleman and Aradia, she honestly had no particular feelings about the death being committed at her hands, and still doesn't.
So, when Boss is freaking out about how he wanted to kill someone, or that he might have violent tendencies, Maki is always a bit like... oh really?? And then A just told her he remembered killed someone and she was like "okay, so?" and he said he probably killed a lot of people and she was like "do you know who you're talking to??"
LIKE... there's a line there somewhere, because she does appreciate them opening up to her, and she does actually appreciate(?) that they have similar tendencies to her (I think I mentioned that Boss being kind of morally ambiguous was one of the reasons Maki was more comfortable with him, even at the very beginning), but when it becomes a guilty, self-flagellating thing, it upsets her, because... if they're so guilty and unhappy about [thing they did or want to do], what does that mean for all the things she's done and has zero remorse for? It's a combination of "maybe I really am just a cold-hearted killing machine" and "are they not even thinking about who I am and what I've done while they're saying this? or have they just convinced themselves none of that was my choice?"
SO... THERE'S THAT.
DATE IDEAS:
- An explicitly roleplay date of some kind. CROSSDRESSING DATE IS A BIT THAT but more so.
- I'm not sure how much onsen they'll actually get to in the current thread but either way we still should do threeway relaxing onsen date sometime
- C...Cookie date?? IT'S BEEN SO LONG
- Bring boyfriends to Zrael (is this a date)
TALK IDEAS:
- I guess probably the assassin thing. killing Intensity is related to this
- Gotta talk about Mars
- Gotta have Joker moderate that talk with Sanguine
...I think that's all I've got for now. REVERSE ALL AROUND
no subject
So he wasn't meaning to talk down(?) to her about being an assassin because he's really never had an issue with that, but there was the whole "stop acting like you have some super dark side or something" when he's actively trying to explain that he has trouble separating himself out from that experience because 100 years staring at body of person he sexy torture-murdered while isolated in a mirror. Which he has trouble talking about at all ever in the first place, but her being an assassin and one who can coolly kill someone off and not give any fucks about it one way or another did have him feeling like he was the flawed one for having the reaction. But I guess that also ties into her being like WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO BE LIKE THIS? while Joker sometimes is like GEE, I SURE WOULD LIKE TO BE LESS OF AN EMOTIONAL IDIOT LIKE EVERYONE SAYS I AM. Like, for fuck's sake, can't even get murdering right! Have to be weird and gross about it thanks to possession and insanity possibly ingraining some tendencies! (which again, Maki would find stupid of him but like... at least it's a familiar stupid area)
He can probably explain that better if they ever touch on it again, but the fact that Maki also admitted that she never really felt... idk. Satisfaction? Or like... a sense of enjoyment out of killing kind of made it glaringly apparent to Joker that some of it probably just won't translate. Fooor various reasons--not least of which Maki not believing she's really capable of strong emotions that could lead to vengeful acts of passion. Which Joker personally doesn't believe, but not a battle he's equipped to fight, either. And is kind of what made him just close out of that talk with saying he thinks that's what Asmodeus wants from people.
Like, for sure, he doesn't understand what she went through with becoming an assassin and he does have the view of it being "gun to her head" going into it but he's also not a stranger to the concept of people taking ownership for decisions made under duress--he gets a bunch of shit whenever he points out to anyone that they all don't really have any real control over their situation in Imeeji except for like... how they react to it. Which isn't very empowering, over all. So there's always going to be that kind of discrepancy...
Though, honestly, I think A and Joker are in the same boat of Uncomfortably, I Enjoy Doing A Murder Sometimes, Hm... while Maki is desensitized to murder in general. So like... mildly awk for Joker personally to talk about...
ANYWAY, ONWARD:
DATE IDEAS:
- dual fighting sim in vid room--maybe even trio w/ A?
- pillow fort in the lobby ... idk it sounds dumb and cute
- MAYBE... CLASSIC WATCH A MOVIE? even if they're all old and black and white
TALK IDEAS:
- idk i like cute library thread idea where Joker's reading up on things to help himself do better
- GOTTA TALK ABOUT... MARS...
- should probably address the Fox in the room
no subject
But the "never really had an issue with her being an assassin" part is actually... her issue... because the fact that he's never had an issue with it is why she doesn't think it's really sunk in for him. She has an issue with her being an assassin! A lot of issues actually. She's had this discussion with a couple of people - she doesn't care when she kills people, but she does care about the fact that she doesn't care. She is aware that is not a good reaction, and her biggest issues are around how much of her emotional reactions (or lack thereof) is just... her, that would have been that way even without the assassin training.
And "how much of this would have been me even without this event that deeply affected me" is basically the same as Joker's Betrayal thing!
And so she tries to give him advice based on her experience struggling with that (like she did in their first post-Betrayal feelings conversation and again in the recent one): it may be who you are now, it may be true you're able to do terrible things now, but you're also able to choose what you do, and who you become from here, etc - and it seems like he did not take that to heart at all, or feel like she was giving advice from experience, because he insists his situation is totally different.
And like... it is different! But they are both bad. He can't write off her childhood of assassinating people, partially of her own volition, as nothing to worry about, while meanwhile obsessing over how that one time he killed someone while he were literally possessed means he might sexy murder someone at any moment.
I mean. He can. But it upsets her. Because a) it feels like he doesn't understand her or take her issues seriously, and b) she is genuinely trying to help him in an area she actually feels like she can help him and it doesn't feel like he's listening.
ALSO YES... FOX SHOULD DEFINITELY BE ON THE LIST TOO...
no subject
BUT IT DOES SEEM LIKE THEY HAVE QUITE A BIT TO TALK ABOUT WITH ASSASSIN THINGS, THAT'S TRUE. I think it's really the perspective of him being in the midst of the bad and adjusting and she's already gone through the bad and is adjusted that might be where he's failing to pick up some of the stuff. sorta like "well, yeah but you make it look easy" without taking into account that IT WAS HARD FOR HER which is... a perspective issue on his end for sure.
BUT YEA UH. Talks.
no subject
A number of talks should happen