IMEEJI INBOX

[rollplayinghouse]

Comments

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

So you did it all for them?

[rollplayinghouse]

...Mostly. Doodleman did make an agreement with LiLiS at the beginning. But once pep!pep! needed our help, he went off about how Sunrise was more important than ZRAEL and no one was going to try to help them and we were both going to die, and then everyone got pissed off at him.

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

Yes. I heard as much from Man Eater.

That goes against ZRAEL's usual policy, doesn't it?

[rollplayinghouse]

It does. And... he apologized after, and said it wouldn't happen again. Said that he had a lot of things going on, and wasn't thinking clearly with the psychological effect. Requiem talked to me about it too, that she deals badly with that kind of... stuff messing with her head. Which is... fair.

It's not... exactly that I mind that I did most of the work. I was clearly dealing with the hallucinations and paranoia and all that better than the others. And some of them did thank me after, too, or apologize that they didn't help. I'm fine supporting them sometimes. I'm happy I can.

Just... it feels...

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

It feels like what?

[rollplayinghouse]

[...]

... I got yelled at for not caring about the unit's feelings, before. In fact, I got told to shape up or get out. And I didn't even—I was never not trying my best to help the unit, never putting anything above is, I just... had other things that were important to me, too. And reasons that I was upset and overreacted.

I want to feel like I can count on them to support me, too. But it feels like... everyone else can totally fall apart and just explain it and apologize, but if I mess up even a little I'm not welcome. Everyone else can have their quirks and people and things that are important to them, and everyone does their best to accomdate them, but if I have anything important to me other than the unit I'm just being selfish.

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

You are selfish. Stop acting like that's a fucking bad word.

And it sounds like Doodles will be told to shape up if he hasn't already. If everyone is pissed off at him at like you said.

...

So what treatment exactly is he getting that you're not? What exactly do you want your unit to do?

[rollplayinghouse]

Maybe I am selfish, but so is everyone else. Requiem told Doodle it was fine. Doodle himself got mad when I didn't think "sorry I had a lot on my mind" was a very good excuse when he had scolded me a lot more about how I knew the unit came first when I joined.

And everyone got mad at him, but we still made sure pep!pep! was safe. We even sent them an extra solution.

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

Yes. Everyone else is also selfish.

So what?

[rollplayinghouse]

So they get to be selfish and everyone still cares about what they care about and tries to help! And they don't get told they're not actually part of the unit!!

And I'm not even being that selfish! If I was being really selfish I would have ignored what everyone else thought and sent our third thing to future is now, and you wouldn't have gotten attacked by a slime monster, or whatever!

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

So you actually resent helping them out because they won't do the same for you.

[rollplayinghouse]

...

[slumps a little]

I don't... resent helping them.

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

Maybe not. But you're not happy about it either.

[rollplayinghouse]

I guess not.

[quieter, after a moment]

...I really just... want to know what it's like to work with someone. Not... suppressing everything I feel to push through the horrors they can't handle. Not sacrificing things I care about and having it go unnoticed. Not having them run off without even thinking of me. ...Not having to lean on them every time, and not being able to do anything in return.

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

[He notices the pause but doesn’t comment on it. Well. At least not directly]

Then you need to find someone who wants the same thing if that’s what you want.

[rollplayinghouse]

...

[She doesn't respond to that for a long time. But eventually:]

Is it really that hard? Even you have business partners and that kind of thing, right? Am I just that impossible to work with?

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

Stop.

This has nothing to do with you being impossible to work with.

And everything to do with your expectations.

You want someone you can rely on and be reliable to in return. All the while having a type that isn’t conducive to that. Joker does what he wants. A gets lost in him own head. And I prefer to not depend on anyone.

You can’t compare that to one of my business relationships. They’re completely different. We’ve sacrificed each other multiple times in games because it’s professional. The less feelings, the better.

[rollplayinghouse]

I'm not just talking about feelings right now. Even a professional relationship would be something! But I've always... worked alone.

And I'm still doing that now. Taisho didn't work with me. ZRAEL doesn't work with me, even though everyone claims we're a unit who helps each other out. C and X won't work with me. I don't have anyone I can count on like that. How is that a problem of my expectations?

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

Not anyone?

Didn’t that loudmouth pompous windbag of a Sun god stand up for you and did clean up duty after your Live?

Haven’t I, at your request, tried to involve you more in my work?

Hasn’t Man Eater accompanied you on more than one occasion through a potentially difficult situation?

[rollplayinghouse]

Pharaoh wants to spoil me because he thinks the team is his and he needs to take care of them and he's been neglecting me. That's still not working together. You have been trying, and I appreciate it, but I haven't really managed to be actually useful yet, have I? So there's no reason for you to rely on me as a real partner, and no reason for me to expect you to. Man Eater is definitely the one on the unit I can rely on most, but...

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

. . .

But?

[rollplayinghouse]

...But... he won't admit he wants someone like that too.

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

And he won't ever admit it.

But he was happiest when he had Red to depend on.

[rollplayinghouse]

...

I'm not Red.

[bluescreenwhitedragon]

I didn't say you were.

But fine. I'll spell it out for you---

In all his memories, he talked a big talk about being self-sufficient. But yet he was always in someone's company. And the only time he ever asked for help is if he would have died otherwise.

So if you're waiting for him to admit it, you're right. He won't. Move on.

But if you want ZRAEL to feel like a home -- because you don't really need everyone to like you. Just one will suffice. You could have a partner if you'd just lax those expectations of yours.