And the most outburst I had was yelling at Requiem for saying we were all going to die since we couldn't get weapons, after I'd asked if she wanted to negotiate with avante and she agreed and then didn't even talk to them. Which is a perfectly reasonable level of annoyance.
It wasn't about not wanting to ask for help. Everyone just... decided no one was going to help and started freaking out without paying any attention to what was actually happening.
...Mostly. Doodleman did make an agreement with LiLiS at the beginning. But once pep!pep! needed our help, he went off about how Sunrise was more important than ZRAEL and no one was going to try to help them and we were both going to die, and then everyone got pissed off at him.
It does. And... he apologized after, and said it wouldn't happen again. Said that he had a lot of things going on, and wasn't thinking clearly with the psychological effect. Requiem talked to me about it too, that she deals badly with that kind of... stuff messing with her head. Which is... fair.
It's not... exactly that I mind that I did most of the work. I was clearly dealing with the hallucinations and paranoia and all that better than the others. And some of them did thank me after, too, or apologize that they didn't help. I'm fine supporting them sometimes. I'm happy I can.
... I got yelled at for not caring about the unit's feelings, before. In fact, I got told to shape up or get out. And I didn't even—I was never not trying my best to help the unit, never putting anything above is, I just... had other things that were important to me, too. And reasons that I was upset and overreacted.
I want to feel like I can count on them to support me, too. But it feels like... everyone else can totally fall apart and just explain it and apologize, but if I mess up even a little I'm not welcome. Everyone else can have their quirks and people and things that are important to them, and everyone does their best to accomdate them, but if I have anything important to me other than the unit I'm just being selfish.
Maybe I am selfish, but so is everyone else. Requiem told Doodle it was fine. Doodle himself got mad when I didn't think "sorry I had a lot on my mind" was a very good excuse when he had scolded me a lot more about how I knew the unit came first when I joined.
And everyone got mad at him, but we still made sure pep!pep! was safe. We even sent them an extra solution.
So they get to be selfish and everyone still cares about what they care about and tries to help! And they don't get told they're not actually part of the unit!!
And I'm not even being that selfish! If I was being really selfish I would have ignored what everyone else thought and sent our third thing to future is now, and you wouldn't have gotten attacked by a slime monster, or whatever!
...I really just... want to know what it's like to work with someone. Not... suppressing everything I feel to push through the horrors they can't handle. Not sacrificing things I care about and having it go unnoticed. Not having them run off without even thinking of me. ...Not having to lean on them every time, and not being able to do anything in return.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
Must be rough being on a unit trapped by their own feelings.
no subject
Mostly I don't mind it much. I'm... in good company. But lately it doesn't feel like that.
no subject
no subject
no subject
Or was it not in enough quantity to be considered an outburst?
Two very important questions.
no subject
And the most outburst I had was yelling at Requiem for saying we were all going to die since we couldn't get weapons, after I'd asked if she wanted to negotiate with avante and she agreed and then didn't even talk to them. Which is a perfectly reasonable level of annoyance.
no subject
With the exception of Dia, all of you are proud people. Games requiring that you ask for aid don't exactly seem like your forte.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
That goes against ZRAEL's usual policy, doesn't it?
no subject
It's not... exactly that I mind that I did most of the work. I was clearly dealing with the hallucinations and paranoia and all that better than the others. And some of them did thank me after, too, or apologize that they didn't help. I'm fine supporting them sometimes. I'm happy I can.
Just... it feels...
no subject
no subject
... I got yelled at for not caring about the unit's feelings, before. In fact, I got told to shape up or get out. And I didn't even—I was never not trying my best to help the unit, never putting anything above is, I just... had other things that were important to me, too. And reasons that I was upset and overreacted.
I want to feel like I can count on them to support me, too. But it feels like... everyone else can totally fall apart and just explain it and apologize, but if I mess up even a little I'm not welcome. Everyone else can have their quirks and people and things that are important to them, and everyone does their best to accomdate them, but if I have anything important to me other than the unit I'm just being selfish.
no subject
And it sounds like Doodles will be told to shape up if he hasn't already. If everyone is pissed off at him at like you said.
...
So what treatment exactly is he getting that you're not? What exactly do you want your unit to do?
no subject
And everyone got mad at him, but we still made sure pep!pep! was safe. We even sent them an extra solution.
no subject
So what?
no subject
And I'm not even being that selfish! If I was being really selfish I would have ignored what everyone else thought and sent our third thing to future is now, and you wouldn't have gotten attacked by a slime monster, or whatever!
no subject
no subject
[slumps a little]
I don't... resent helping them.
no subject
no subject
[quieter, after a moment]
...I really just... want to know what it's like to work with someone. Not... suppressing everything I feel to push through the horrors they can't handle. Not sacrificing things I care about and having it go unnoticed. Not having them run off without even thinking of me. ...Not having to lean on them every time, and not being able to do anything in return.
no subject
Then you need to find someone who wants the same thing if that’s what you want.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)